you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
