I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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