yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
