My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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