Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
