you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
