Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
