I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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