Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
