so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Ketchup is God's man juice
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
