I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
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i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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