the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
