i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
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My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize