I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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