i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
