I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
