Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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