If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
