Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
