I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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