You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
