I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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