Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it glows. i had to have it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
