Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
