Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
