"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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