i just wanna soil my oats bro
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How does it feel to date your dad?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
