Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
