I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
thus making me awesome and them whores
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
