I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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