franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
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I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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