eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
