This is not my ceiling
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
