Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
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That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
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