I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
