He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
