Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
