This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
