I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
