If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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