My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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