You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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