I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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