OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
