i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
