UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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