Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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