i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You ate ashes out of my bong
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
