Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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