If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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