If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
