I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
