Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
