I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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