My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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