She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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