So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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