I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
