So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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