So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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