checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
