so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There's always time for handjobs
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
