look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
